Ongrowing’s February 13th letter | Previous issue: Navigating our identities
Hello dear friends,
My past two weeks have been filled with conversations centered around mental health and well-being. It’s fascinating to hear the wide range of perspectives in this field, from those who were burnt out from their work and COVID to those who were diagnosed with depression to therapists who use art and cognitive behavioral therapy as modes of their healing. I have a bunch of thoughts floating around that I’d love to share with you once they’re all simmered and stewed, but until then, I’d love to hear any personal mental health stories that you have.
On another note, I’ve been practicing mindfulness more often lately. Instead of limiting my practice to morning meditations, I’ve found that one can return to mindfulness at any given moment, be it in a traffic jam or midway through a conversation. I often need it most when it feels like the world is running by without me, like I’m being dragged and stretched in every and all directions. In a world where we’re constantly bombarded by notifications of messages, emails, and TikTok videos, it’s easy to forget that there’s also an inner world for us to tend to. Mindfulness helps us reconnect to that world. Focusing on our breath allows us to hear what feelings and thoughts are bubbling inside of us. And once we have that understanding and once we care for them, we can then experience the joy that happens right in front of us.
“Selfishness comes from when you’re starved of self. Restore your understanding of self by pouring as much nourishment into your true self as possible… 99% of your energy should go into finding who you are and how you’re happy… What feels warm, free, and joyful now?”
- Dr. Martha Beck on We Can Do Hard Things
Today’s Story
Recently, I celebrated a huge win in my life. Nope, I didn’t turn x years old. Nope, I didn’t buy a house. Nope, I didn’t get a doggo (but am I still dreaming about it? Yes, absolutely).
But last week, my mom just went to her first counseling/therapy session! 🎉
Some of you may ask why this is such an occasion so here’s the story.
For as long as I could remember, my parents never really understood the idea or concept of mental health. Some of our distant family members were diagnosed with certain conditions, but my immediate family didn't quite comprehend what it means to have a mental ilness or to have ill mental health. For them, you can pretty much lump all negative emotions as stress or anger or frustration.
My parents aren’t the only ones. Mental health in Thailand remains largely neglected and under-estimated, and often, people are ashamed to bring up the issue. These stigmas are baked into our language and culture — the words used to describe someone with a mental health condition are synonymously used to describe people who are crazy or abnormal.
I’ve been trying to get my mom to see a therapist since 2018 but with zero success until now. While there are definitely many factors that played into this success, one stood out. My motive behind it.
Back in 2018, I was desperately encouraging my mom to go see a therapist with the hopes and dreams that she would go deal with her emotional baggage and become the perfect parent for me. I imagined her walking out of the counseling room, tears in her eyes, embracing me and apologizing for all the mistakes she’s made as a parent. In that scene, she told me that she would no longer burden me with her issues and that she would love me freely and unconditionally. Of course, I never shared any of this with her. I told her about the scientific benefits of talk therapy. I gave her research materials and resources. I tried convincing her that she’d become better emotionally after talking to someone.
Fast forward to this year, my mom has been experiencing a lot of anxiety and concern around her physical health. I could see how distressed she was and how she was putting a lot of pressure on herself to be better and to feel better. It was hard to see someone you love overwhelmed in pain and fear. I listened to her, consoled her, and advised her. When I ran out of options, I brought up therapy again to her. I said,
“I can see that you’re stressed and worried. I can feel it. I’m out of ideas of how I can help you manage these feelings, but I feel like we should talk to someone who know and do this for a living. Therapists might be able to offer you some insights. Would you be open to talking to one?”
And she said yes.
The Writing Prompt
Are there certain things, tasks, activities, milestones that you’ve been struggling to achieve? This can be pretty much anything e.g. getting a promotion at work or connecting with your friends.
Reflect on your motive behind these goals. What are your motives? Can it be that you have a hidden motive that’s driving you to achieve them? Is it possible that they may actually be hindering you from achieving them? Example: you want to connect with friends because you don’t want to be lonely, not because you genuinely want to spend time with your friends.
I’m realizing that hidden motives are hidden for a reason. We’re ashamed of them. We’re scared to admit that we’re just lonely or want to be loved. It seems too crude. Too selfish. But don’t we all just want to be heard and validated? We’re driven to feel free, whole and enough, and sometimes, when we don’t feel like so, we chase after things to complete us. I was driven to “cure” my mom because I thought that would set me free. Yet, people can see through our intentions. People can sense it and people can feel it. So double check what your motives are. Are they aligned with your being and your values? Are they coming from a place of love or are they coming from a place of fear?
With love and care,
Fair