Ongrowing - The Truth Behind Lies
Why it's hard being authentic
Dear friends!
Today’s story is a long one, so I’ll keep the intro short. The weather in Bangkok is getting cooler, and it was such a joy to sleep with windows open and a fan on. In a city such as Bangkok, it can be hard to connect with nature (at least the way I want to), so sometimes just the simple act of listening to the birds or staring up at the sky feels lovely. What are some small ways you keep yourself connected to nature?
Today’s Story
The other day, I was catching up with an acquaintance. He was someone who you’d label a LinkedIn connection. Not quite a friend, not really a stranger. During our call, he asked me where I was working now. I hesitated for a moment. In that moment of hesitation, I silently debated whether I should tell him the truth or not. Should I tell him that I was terminated or should I just lie and say I quitted? A quick second, and I started stuttering. I told him how the company I was working at had financial issues so I was cut and that I’m now working on my own mental health start-up. In the gap between my words and his, a wave of fear rolled through me. Do I now look stupid and incapable?
I will be the first to admit that I lie. It feels like a taboo to talk about this, but a survey shows that an average person tells 4 lies a day. Lies are often not full-blown fiction; these can just be white lies that are told about an unimportant matter. I always thought telling (white) lies was harmless. Saying “I love this shirt on you!” or “I’m late because there was an accident on the road” didn’t feel wrong to me. If it didn’t hurt others, I had no moral qualms to not tell the truth. Sometimes, telling the truth meant not hurting others.
If you scored me then on integrity, the practice of being honest and having strong moral priniciples, I would probably have gotten a 7 out of 10. It wasn’t until I learned the other definition of integrity that I realized there maaay be a problem with lying.
We often think of integrity as the definition I mentioned above. To have integrity means you are steadfast and upright. You always do the “right” things and say the “right” words. However, there’s also another way we use this word. To integrate means to combine things to become whole. In this sense, integrity refers to the state of being whole and undivided. To be whole and undivided, you have to be true to yourself and not just to others. It is largely intertwined with authenticity, the act of remaining true to your values and spirit regardless of who you’re with or without. Authenticity requires our commitment to be impeccable with our words and to stick to our principles.
I started to ask myself, “Why do I lie? How did I get so comfortable with it?”
A part of the answer lies in an incident that happened many, many years ago.
I can still remember it very vividly. I was in third grade. Well-behaved, eager, and intelligent. I have just moved schools, but many of my friends made the same move, so I was excited to see them everyday. My parents would only pick me up from school once in a while. Every time they picked me up felt like a special occasion. They would always bring delicious snacks and, often, we’d go out to eat dinner or watch a movie. If I was really lucky, they’d also bring my toddler brother along with us. That day felt like another special occasion, but before we made our way into our car, a friend’s mom ran up to say hi to my parents. This friend’s mom was someone who came to school everyday. She would supervise us when we played while waiting for the adults to arrive. With genuine concern, she told my mom that she has recently noticed that I liked to squint my eyes. She said I should go and get my eyes checked for nearsightedness. My mom thanked her for her concern and rushed us into the car. As an emotionally sensitive child, I could sense that something was off. There was a cloud of unpleasantness growing. My mom started speaking, her voice stern and displeased. She listed out reasons why wearing glasses would be a pain, how it wouldn’t look good on me, and how I should stop watching TV before my eyesight gets worse. “No one in my family wears glasses, neither should you.” I took her fury and her words to heart. My well-behaved, eager, and intelligent eight-year-old self swore to never, ever, ever wear glasses.
Children will do what they need to do to protect themselves, and in many ways, we are still children.
Years and years later, I secretly snuck out to purchase a pair of glasses. I would only wear them at school or behind closed doors. Anywhere really where my mom couldn’t see. With this facade, any other lie was easy to tell. Lying became a defensive mechanism that worked wonders. The guilt that accompanied with each story shrunk in comparison. This was my beginning of lying to look good and please others. With each lie I told, I became more of a chameleon. One with no real colors of my own.
This lying habit became a cloak that hid my true self from others. The cloak, weaved with threads of shame and guilt, kept me safe from rejections and punishments. When I felt ashamed of something, I just covered it up with the cloak. A bad grade? Make up a new one. My weight? Round it down. A shitty mistake? Blame it on something else. These lies reinforced the same story I told myself inside my head, that I wasn’t good enough and that I should feel guilty for that. And ironically, as I’ve come to realize, there was no truth in that. This is a story that many of us tell ourselves. Through years of conditioning, our capitalistic culture tells us that we are never good enough so that we would buy all the things that will complete us (a longer story for another day). Rewriting this narrative demands authenticity, and authenticity requires integrity.
“Children will do what they need to do to protect themselves, and in many ways, we are still simply children.”
The Writing Prompt
When was the last time you lied? Why do you think you lied? How did it serve you then?
To this day, it still takes consciousness and effort to stop myself from telling a lie. It takes a moment for me to wash away the fears that often creep up in the back of my mind. I constantly have to remind myself to stay true to my words and who I am. Now, I try to choose honesty over dishonesty, and truth over pleasing others. There’s a relief that I don’t have to feel ashamed of what happened to me or who I am. There’s a confidence that comes from knowing that I can be whole and loved by being my authentic self. It’s not easy and I acknowledge that being authentic will be an ongoing process that changes as we grow, but ultimately, I think it’s worth the work.
With love,
Fair
I loved this essay Fair! Thank you for sharing.